so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
