just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
