I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
