direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
