I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
