we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
