I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
