Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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