I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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