I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
