Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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