when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
