I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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