gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
