The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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