I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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