Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
