I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
