I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
