my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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