I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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