I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize