i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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