sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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