god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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