She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
