I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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