sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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