You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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