He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
