Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
