please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
