Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
