you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
