I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
