Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
