I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
