Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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