He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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