Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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