A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
