i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
