Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
