well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
