i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
