I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can't put those talents on a resume
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
