I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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