My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We need a shit load of segways right now
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
