Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
