I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
