can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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