the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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