And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
