Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
