we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Congratulations! We have a period
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
