It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize