i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
