if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
