Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
