My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
