i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
