I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
