There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
