you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize