I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Green mimosas i think yes
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
