Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize