she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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