I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
