member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
