i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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